Monday, August 1, 2011

Hate #2


Hate Hate Hate making decisions. Hate making decisions telling people about those decisions and then having them change. I hate the look of, "I knew you wouldn't do it." I hate disappointment.

I shouldn't really give a rat's ass about what people think because it's our life not theirs, out choices not theirs. The decision had been made to homeschool Fire and we were really excited to give this child that time to kind of learn how to control outbursts and have quiet time to do it without others overwhelming presence. Fire has been excited off and on but I think the summer has swayed that vote. Fire now wants to be in school. Yes we should be the parents and make the final decision but I am having some doubts too.

I applied for a job now and who knows what will happen.

I just hate making decisions!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Hate #1


I will be the first to say that to have a great marriage/relationship you need to communicate with your partner. Does not necessarily mean that I do it the greatest with my husband.

I can talk to him about family, the bills, everyday things but when it comes to me I have a hard time. When it comes to my feelings of sadness, excitement, happiness, anger it takes me a while before I am comfortable. This is when we get in our biggest arguments and get angry spells.

He is a talker, he has to talk about his feelings and be validated. Which makes me even more upset because he keeps repeating the same problem after I have told him I understand. I don't want to listen to the same thing over and over again. No matter what I say it doesn't resolve the problem for him.

I am very guarded with my feelings. Too many times I have voiced them to be shot down by another's judgement or overbearing feelings. I guess in a way I just want to be heard. Not fixed, not adjusted, just heard. I want to be able to say things out loud so I can think more clearly and not have to worry about the look on someones face, the noise of belittlement, or judgement in someones eyes.

I do want to be free.

Hence this blog. I an not overly angry at life but I do deal with those feelings. This is a place to voice me. I don't like putting myself in a box of silence.